Daily Poll/Archive/September 2007
September 30, 2007 The greatest part of Sunday morning is: Sleeping in. Watching evangelical TV shows. Shouting at the liberals on political talk shows. Praying with fellow Christians in church. Handing out Follow Jesus pamphlets at the coffee shop. September 29, 2007 Nailing points tubed, colgasm, fascist, enemy combatant Saturdays usually suck because it's the day between work and church, and The Colbert Report is not on. Fortunately, we can relive recent nailage of an enemy combatant like Naomi Wolf, whom Stephen: Provided ideas she had never thought of before. Proved was a fascist. Helped retitle her book "The End of America" to "USA USA". Freed from repressive liberals with multiple colgasms. September 28, 2007 Childrens points, Historical Bush speeches with West-Texas faux-neh-ticks provided by Senior Analyst WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer Wordinistas in the press attacked President Bush this week for: Using phonetic guides at a U.N. speech that included names like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Saying 'Childrens do learn.' in an education speech. Modifying the White House transcript to show he said 'Children do learn.' Speak'n American 'stead of English. September 27, 2007 Profit points, Abu Gray, Blackwater, Abu Ghraib While Blackwater USA continues to successfully defend freedom in Iraq by killing Iraqis, liberals have chosen instead to focus on: Profits they make. Condie helping them withhold information from Congress. Dead body incentives. Comparisons to Abu Ghraib. Their CEO's tough-love approach to converting Iraqis to Jesus. September 26, 2007 *Homo points, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, gay, homo research provided by Senior Analyst WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer Iran's President Ahmadinejad visited our country and through the mercy of The Greatest President was allowed to dress like Barack Obama and look upon the hottest college babes in the world at Columbia University. To turn them on, he spoke about: How no Iranian men are homos. Persian words for harem. Persian words for lesbian. How gay the Jew claims are about the Holocaust. September 25, 2007 Bear points, education, David Vitter, bears Forest rangers are killing more black bears than ever! This gigantic success is due to: Global warming causing bears to move to new territory. Overpopulation of the rich in Wyoming. Bears addicted to Halo 3. David Vitter committing tax money to combat animal science. Dr. Stephen Colbert's ongoing and generous public awareness program. September 24, 2007 Petraeus points, Betrayed, hippies, General Petraeus At last, the Senate showed some balls last Friday and condemned some liberals that hate the troops. We can support them by: Signing a petition to end the war. Draw comics that mock General Petraeus's loyalty to The Greatest President. Youtubing hippie hangings. Offer Canadian money for each dead MoveOn member. September 23, 2007 Forgiveness Security points, Private enterprise, Blackwater The Iraq government corrected their previous accusations against Blackwater USA and will not force them out of the country because: They can't. Iraqi government officials are protected by them. The troops would still kick their butts. They have no balls. Punishment Granny points, tourist stalls, Larry Craig The USA continues to show the rest of the world how to properly punish the immoral by: Sentencing a grandma and mom to jail for prostitution. Giving Senator Larry Craig a trial. Shooting Iraqis that don't pray to Jesus. Keeping enemy combatants alive on a beach in Cuba. September 20, 2007 Obscure numbering notes, brought to you by Condemner in Chief WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer What is the best way to measure the success of The Greatest Administration Ever's economic policies: housing market the stock market redneck celebrities nude on the Internets Colbert Platinum Canadian dollar equality with the US dollar September 19, 2007 Police points, Blackwater justice, Weapons, Kerry crying, hot Florida action, Blackwater In response to book readers crying about some student eating taser, the University of Florida's response should be to: Fire the cops. Buy surplus weapons from Iraq. Flunk the student. Arrest the students that videoed the event. Hire Blackwater USA to manage their campus. September 18, 2007 Polite speaking points, Thatchers, Tony Bennett, The Lord, censorship Whining liberals are having a fit over Sally Field or Struthers or some thatcherless sodomite being censored for taking the Lord's name in vain. The real problem with the Emmy's was: Fox didn't get to award Rupert Murdoch for taking over The Wall Street Journal. Tony Bennett was given Stephen Colbert's Emmy. They didn't introduce Barry Manilow Beeyotchslap Award. Stephen Colbert's beeping at Tony Bennett was censored. September 17, 2007 Oily points, Alan Greenspan, Federal Reserve, Iraq, Constitution, The Filter, Constitution date checking provided by WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer America's Constitution was ratified on September 17th the year Jesus was born. Instead of shopping, former greatest Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has chosen to celebrate with lies by: Using books and The Filter. Claiming Operation Iraqi Freedom was for oil. Claiming Operation Iraqi Freedom is a war. Suggesting President Bush's economic policy is NOT conservative. Suggesting President Bush's economic policy is NOT the best ever. Forgetting the tragedy of September 11th. September 16, 2007 50 points, OJ scores, Fox, Sheik killer seized, West Nile At last, we have some good news again. 50 Cent is defending Britney and OJ has been arrested again, also Canadians are busy on a Fox run. If only liberals could: Go on a ball run. Defend their President. Celebrate the capture of the Sunni Sheik killer. Celebrate the mosquitos that have liberated West Nile. September 15, 2007 Economic points, Alan Greenspan, books, The Greatest President No more teachers, no more books, no more liberals' dirty looks. That's the way a weekend is suppose to work, not: Alan Greenspan saying Bill Clinton was the most intelligent President. Greenspan saying Republicans 'lack fiscal discipline'. Greenspan writing a book. Greenspan criticizing tax cuts. Greenspan questioning President Bush. September 14, 2007 Video points, Limited progress, Mission Accomplished Our Glorious President, The Greatest President, gave a glorious speech last night, reminding us of the incredible progress we've made in Iraq, from Mission Accomplished to the 4 year reunion surge, we can all agree: The surge needs more time. We've made incredible progress. A timetable for withdrawal gives our enemies hope. Iraq has made limited progress toward its goals. We must support the troops. The progress in Iraq has been the greatest accomplishment in freedom ever. September 13, 2007 President Bush speech day, polls closed, Supreme Court rules they stay closed. September 12, 2007 Rememberiness Rescue points, Lessons learnt, The Greatest President Ever, Rudy Giuliani As the Greatest President Ever and Rudy Guiliani have shown, the best way to continue remembering 9/11 is: Taking vacation. Watching New York Yankees baseball games. Flying a lot to photo ops. Using it to stay another 6 months in Iraq. September 11, 2007 Always Rememberating Forgetting points, 9/11 champions, Larry Craig, 9/11, War on Terror Republican Senator Larry Craig has kept the spirit of September the 11th alive by fighting his arrest by liberal aiport security. Flyers today should: Kick airport security personnel in the hindquarters. Panic and plea. Flick off every fireman they see. Kick a liberal in the balls/thatchers. Drill a glory hole in an airport bathroom stall. September 10, 2007 Pre-Rememberating 9/11 score, 9/11 points, Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, 9/11 memories provided by Senior Analyst WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer Isn't every day an anniversary of Sept. 11? The War on Terrorism never stops for Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson. As strong Republicans, they commemorate each day by: Covering themselves in asbestos. Calling Bernie Kerik to talk about how lucky they are to have President George W. Bush. Speaking to the New York City firefighters and police over their radios. Considering how much worse it could have been if the plane drivers had Saddam's WMDs. September 6, 2007 No Girl Left Behind Suicide points, No Child Left Behind, Faith Based Initiatives, evolution Young girls had a sharp, almost oil-like, rise in their suicides. This proves that: President Bush's No Child Left Behind act works. The liberal media can't find anything wrong with Iraq. Teens lack strong Republican role models like Larry Craig & Mark Foley. We need more Young Republicans. Girls are not getting enough steroids. Rolling Down the Hump Yodeling points, Larry Craig, Rupert Murdoch, Fred Thompson Some fat yodeler died and the liberal media is asking if he was greatest yodeler ever. The real question is why did he die? Bush & Cheney are still in the White House. Larry Craig cut & ran. The British Troops cut & ran. Tony Snow will no longer be singing for the White House. He couldn't find someone 25 years younger to marry like Rupert Murdoch & Fred Thompson. September 5, 2007 - Poll at half Freem September 4, 2007 - The End of Freem Freedom points, World of ColbertCraft, Lick, Sean Hannity, Freem While some unfortunate children were forced to look at books again last week, most return to forced book reading this week. At the same time, liberals are testing game anti-addiction software on the Chinese. Does this mean: Students will start doing homework? Licking batteries won't be fun? The Greatest President will actually read a terrorism report? The stoned losers that watch The Daily Show will watch Hannity & Colmes? Rush Limbaugh and half the South will stop taking painkillers? September 3, 2007 - Labor Day Pollebration We know, unlike the pussy running British, that as hard working Americans, you're probably getting bored with a forced day off from your job. We here at the Daily Poll have a series of polls coming to keep you working. Jesus knows, having to stay home and read the wordinistas of the liberal media on the Internets is work. Favorite Color Which do you prefer: Red White Blue Evilest Color Which is worst: Pinko pink Commie red Liberal lavender Barack brown Wankers Running points, Only the pole stands, Britain, Gordon Brown, Iraq Yesterday, Britain began pulling out of Iraq. Their women already knew about this problem. Should we: Shoot them as deserters. Force them all to sit on a flag pole. Make them clean up the beach at Guantanomo Bay. Nuke Basra. Impeach the Queen. Leakers Leaking points, GAO, Iraq, Washington Post, research provided by Senior Analyst WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer Someone leaked the GAO's assessment of progress in Operation Iraqi Freedom (it's not a war, as you know). The liberals at the Washington Post made it sound like someone within the GAO, but we know it was really: Barack Obama so he can criticize Hillary Clinton's vote on the "war". Somebody gay like Larry Craig trying to distract the media. Deep Throat, trying to relive his glory days. Hillary Clinton because she hates the troops. Nancy Pelosi, who blinked it out via morse code.